Sorry, this is quite long, but I thought I owed you a more complete explanation for the long silence on my blog. And apologies to those of you who aren't believers - some of this may not make much sense to you! The idea of God speaking to me may well have you wanting to ring the funny farm to come and take me away… Please bear with me and hear me out - hopefully it'll all make some sort of sense in the end!
Tony (my predecessor as churchwarden) said to me, when I was his 'understudy', that the wardens' job is too big in a church like ours: '...just pick the bits you like and are comfortable doing, and forget about the rest, otherwise you'll go mad. Make the job your own.' I did that, happily and with God's evident blessing, for three years, until somehow my (warped?) senses of duty and conscience got the better of me.
As you may (or may not?) be aware, I had a fairly torrid eighteen months - from perhaps March 2013 until September 2014, interspersed with periods of 'okay-ness'. Some of the reasons have been obvious - supporting Linda through the loss of her father, Tim through his 'A' Levels, and that sort of thing. But I'd been aware that 'something else' (more fundamental?) had been wrong, and I hadn't been able to put my finger on what it was, except that whatever it was had been spoiling my my relationship with God and therefore my sense of peace and wellbeing. My usual experience is that I feel God close by a lot of the time - sometimes (such as when praying in groups) so tangibly that I more or less have to open my eyes and look around to make sure there isn't 'someone else' physically present (definite 'goosebumps' moments!). But that hadn't been the case for over a year; indeed, of late, my prayers had largely been prefaced by "God, if you're there..."
For six months or more I had had a scripture 'bugging me' and a fairly intense sense of frustration - why wasn't this my experience?
And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness; it will be for those who walk on that Way. The unclean will not journey on it; wicked fools will not go about on it. No lion will be there, nor any ravenous beast; they will not be found there. But only the redeemed will walk there, and those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. Isaiah 35:8-10
I'd had a gradual increase in feeling that my lack of peace, joy and knowledge of God's presence might have been because I wasn't 'where God wanted me to be' in spiritual terms; or wasn't doing what He wanted in more practical terms. In recent weeks I began to have sneaking suspicion that perhaps it was because I'd 'failed' Him in a way I wasn't really aware of, and so couldn't confess whatever I'd done wrong specifically or turn away from it.
One Sunday evening a few weeks ago I tried my hardest to resist going to church - I really didn't want to go, but felt that I ought to (that sense of duty/conscience again, or something else?…). Metaphorically speaking, God dragged me there, kicking and screaming. And then, despite my complete lack of receptiveness, He spoke to me through several words and scriptures - some via other people, some straight into my head.
People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrual cloth and say to them, “Away with you!” Isaiah 30:19-22
That was definitely quite interesting - for instance, what were my idols? And then this promise came along...
He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful. In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. The oxen and donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted. Isaiah 30:23-26
It sounds good, but that gave rise to a question in my head - what is the ground where I sow the seed, and what does that mean to me and to God?
And this promise came along too...
This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfil my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:10-14
But what was wrong? Why was I 'in exile'? It became clear to me then that something was harming me and my relationship with God. I began slowly to realise that, rather than it being God's disapproval, it was my own guilt at how slowly things seemed to be going with one of the jobs I'd taken on - 'supervising' work on the church buildings - as though I ought to be able to force the pace of progress myself. ME!! Looking back now, I'd been feeling as though I was carrying the entire weight of the church building on my shoulders.
One of my troubles is that I'm very 'hands on', and like (or need?) to be in control of projects with which I'm involved. The buildings work can't be like that - one is reliant on all sorts of 'outside agencies', not all of which have much, if any, sense of urgency - like City Council Tree Protection Officers for example. And I have a tendency to take personally these (unavoidable?) delays - as if it is my fault and I could/should be doing something to 'unblock' the blockages. And then, because I can't, the feelings of guilt and of failing God set in.
During that service on Sunday evening I realised afresh something God has been telling me for ages, and which I had been hearing with my ears, but not in my heart - He loves me for who I am (as he did Jacob of old), not for what I do:
But now, this is what the Lord says---he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west." Isaiah 43:1-5
So now I was convinced that my lack of peace was internal, born of dissatisfaction with my performance in the churchwarden's role lately, and my separation from God a barrier I had put up, because of feeling unworthy and that I wasn't doing enough (not that, in one sense, we ever can; nor, thanks to Christ's work on the cross, do we need to).
And then God reminded me of something he'd said, many, many years ago:
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30
I was sitting with Nicola after the service, and told her what was happening, and about the scriptures I'd been reminded of. She told me a story - she wasn't sure it was relevant, but thought she ought to tell me anyway. She likes her church in Thailand, but felt it was lacking one thing - prayer ministry; and that she ought to set that up and get it going... But found herself running it and knew she shouldn't be. At the time it didn't seem relevant, because I hadn't really made sense of all the above. At 03:00 next morning though, when I woke with a start, I knew it was relevant… In the same way that she wasn't meant to do any more than start prayer ministry in her church, I wasn't supposed to be up to my neck in the particular task which was weighing me down - I was only supposed to have 'given birth to it'.
Doing that task had become, in a sense, more important than my relationship to God - it was almost an idol. It was something which I'd set up, in my mind, to be done at all costs, and which therefore (effectively) became more important to me than God. Time, clearly, to turn back to Him again; to cast aside, at the foot of His cross, the thing I'd used, albeit unwittingly, to build a barrier between me and Him.
Later that day, after a bit more sleep, I contacted Chris, who'd prayed with me on Sunday night, and arranged to meet up. When I saw him later in the day he brought me this scripture:
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
We talked for a long time, and a couple of possible alternative plans emerged: (1) that I resign as warden; (2) that I carry on as warden, but lay down all or most of my responsibility for this particular task (irrespective of how much responsibility I actually bore).
I saw Jon our vicar two days later, and we talked and prayed our way through all the above. The upshot of the conversation is as follows...
I'm not yet ready for (1) - not just yet anyway; (2) is the way forward. That way, I can carry on with the parts of the job which suit my skill set, and which don't mean I end up feeling 'solely responsible' (even if I wasn't anyway!). I'm going back to Tony's wise words, for the sake of my sanity and my relationship with God; I hope too, that having 'handed back' one area of responsibility, I am better able to serve God in the other areas - the ones I am comfortable with. Three or four weeks and a holiday further on, I am peaceful enough in my spirit to able to 'be still and know…'; the sun seems brighter, there's a spring in my step; joy in my heart; I know that God is with me; I know that he loves me for who I am (despite my many imperfections) rather than for what I do for Him and His church. Our work on the buildings is taking a short 'sabbatical'; when we return, I will still sit on the committee, but only as a representative of the PCC - ensuring 'good governance', and overseeing things, rather than driving them forward.