As I was saying in my previous post, I was very worried about how I was going to get to the point of death without putting my family through hell. And I have absolutely no control over that, beyond keeping myself as fit and healthy as I can - eating well, exercising, and keeping my mind active. It felt like a complete lottery - would I go the way of my father's family, or my mother's?
I went and spent an afternoon this week with a dear friend, who is full of God's grace and wisdom, and who is a great person to turn to when one needs help to see things as they are, and as God sees them, rather than as one imagines them. We spent most of the afternoon talking around all sorts of issues - but mostly about my dad, my past and my future - including my fears regarding dementia.
Following that chat, a number of messages have passed between us, as I 'processed' the conversation in my mind, and fresh insights occurred to both of us.
The first thing which occurred to me were the words of a song (from "In Christ Alone", a 2001 song by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend):
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand:
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
This, I think, summed up the prayerful mental position I wanted to be able to take. Whatever happens, God is with me, and those I love. My friend came back with the following scripture:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17
which relates to the idea that actually, in Christ, we are not bound as slaves to our past, but are made wholly new - so who, but God, knows now what my future holds? It may not be either of the two possible paths I, with limited human view, had imagined were mapped out in front of me.
Last night, Friday, I was due to go and see friends down in Bilsborough - it's about a half hour drive in the evening traffic, and the journey is deadly dull. I always try to remember (but often forget) to take a worship CD or two, so that at least I can have a good sing to God whilst I drive. Last night I found that Matt Redman's '10,000 Reasons' (2011) was in the car. All went along in a good but fairly predictable way to begin with, until we hit track No.4 - which is '10,000 Reasons'… And God really spoke to me through the words:
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
...
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then for evermore
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The lines:
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
really hit home - that is my prayer for the evening of my life, and somehow, I believe that God will honour that. The fear has gone - resolved. Whatever happens - and I still don't know what that 'whatever' is - I'm determined to be singing. Victory!
So, I turned the volume up and stuck it on repeat. HALLELUJAH!!!!
Early this morning, another song came into my mind - this time by Phil Wickham, recorded in 2007 - 'You're Beautiful', which contains these words:
When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful.
How I'm going to get there, I have no idea, but that's what will happen when we do.
God bless you, and thanks for reading!