I am not a Christian. But then, according to some, well-meaning, God-fearing, folk, neither is the Pope; so I reckon I am in pretty good company.
A very long time ago, as a teenager, I was beginning my scientific education. As far as I was concerned at the time, the visible, measurable, world was all that existed. I read Nietzsche, Sartre, and other existentialist philosophers, and would have considered myself, if you'd asked me, to be an existential nihilist. We, the inhabitants of this planet, were alone in the cold, dark, unthinkingly pitiless, universe. Life seemed terribly pointless, and yet, I think there was always that sneaking suspicion, lurking somewhere in the back of my mind that that couldn't be the whole story - could it? Surely there had to be meaning somewhere?
The story of my conversion to Christianity can be found here and here - so there's no need for me to repeat it.
When I became a Christian, the church I joined was terribly strict in many ways - positively pharisaical in outlook (many things were, in effect, banned - 'Christians don't do…') - but the people were happy and clearly loved and cared deeply about God, each other and 'the lost' - which included, basically, everyone else.
To begin with I was happy to believe just what they believed, although I gradually realised that what I was learning and what I was told were the certainties of my faith were at odds some of the time. I was, for a time (and on one level still am), happy to believe that the discrepancies are only because I do not truly see - I am a creature of limited intellect, dwelling on an unremarkable little planet in a very ordinary galaxy - why should I truly understand everything anyway?
If I'm honest with myself...
I doubt God - is He really there? Sometimes the universe can still seem like a very cold, dark, pitiless, place.
I doubt science - yes, there are certainties, but there are also many 'facts' which I have seen change, sometimes radically, and some more than once. Which bits do I 'believe'?
I also doubt the truth of the bible. Which is the correct version? Are we meant to obey, and do, all that it says? And where it seems to contradict itself - how do I resolve that? Do I throw it all out as worthless, or else pick out the bits I like? How am I supposed to believe that (for instance) Genesis is literally true, when all my scientific training points at other truths?
Those doubts might well be a sign that my faith is alive and well - I think that, as people, we're given minds to think, and question, and the thinking and questioning can lead to fresh knowledge, and a deeper faith. When I look back far enough, I do know God better now, and I do doubt less.
I have, as the years have rolled by, become what one might call more liberal. I am happier to accept more folk as Christians than I used to be. I am less ‘bothered’ by difference: difference of ritual; difference of belief; difference of emphasis. I recognise that I do not necessarily have all the answers - and that those people whom I might, years ago, have seen as ‘non-Christians’ (because they didn’t have exactly the same sub-set of Christian beliefs as me), probably have insights into the mind and nature of God that I don’t have - I can learn more of God from them. Just because they don’t feel the same as me about some aspects of the faith doesn’t make them any less Christian.
Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. Matthew 7:13-14 (NIV)
I think some churches make the mistake of making that narrow gate far narrower than a loving God ever intended. If I were able to return to my old, original, church (as it was then - it may have changed in the intervening years, in which case I am doing its members a great disservice), and if I dared to express these views there, they would not see me as being a Christian. They would, undoubtedly, either see me as a 'backslider' (someone who did believe but lost his faith, or else appeared to believe, but never really did) and refuse to have anything at all to do with me, or else they would see me as one of the lost and seek to convert me. So, from at least one viewpoint, I am not a Christian.
But I can cheerfully, and sincerely, recite the Nicene Creed:
We believe in one God,
the Father, the Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only Son of God,
eternally begotten of the Father,
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made,
of one Being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven:
by the power of the Holy Spirit
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;
he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again
in accordance with the Scriptures;
he ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,
and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead,
and the life of the world to come. Amen.
Presumably, the Pope is happy to recite it, sincerely, too, though I haven't asked him lately.
So what, I wonder, exactly is it that defines one as a Christian? Is it what you believe, what you say, what you do, or what you don't believe, say or do?